In fairness to the Panthers, I have left out probably half a dozen DUIs. I just felt it would be piling on.

So my claim after seeing all of one episode of "Playmakers" is not that it's unrealistic.

No, I claim that it is NOT REALISTIC ENOUGH!

(Side Note: Those who watch the show on a regular basis claim that all the players have initials and/or nicknames that make obvious references to real life NFL players. I don't know anything about that, but I do know that the team in the show is called the "Cougars" and they have a silver and teal color scheme. Hmm ...)

Look, the show is hardly what I would call "great" but it is better than "Season on the Brink." So I suppose that would be called progress for the fledgling filmmakers in Bristol, Conn. But if anybody tries to sell you some jive that the story lines would NEVER happen in the real NFL, then just walk them through some things that really did happen. You know, things that if they were only in a script and not in real life, you would laugh at the absurdity.

You know, things like a wide receiver whipping a pen out of his sock to autograph the game ball in the end zone. Or a kicker nailing a 45 yard field goal in blizzard conditions so thick that you couldn't even SEE 45 yards. Maybe have an episode where a player throws his helmet on the last play of the game, not knowing the play isn't over, and giving the other team a free field goal to win with no time on the clock. Maybe a game where referees have to run for cover, because an instant replay call brings down a shower of beer bottles, requiring the commissioner to call the players back onto the field some 40 minutes later just to "finish" the game.

You got your Canadian kickers who rip their all-pro quarterback on a TV show, and then get punked by the same QB at the Pro Bowl on national TV as being an "idiot kicker who got liquored up and ran his mouth." How about players who steal money from a teammate's pants in the locker room (Albert Connell on Duece McCallister) and when caught claim that it was all just a "practical joke." You think that's a joke! How about the all-pro offensive lineman getting the wife of the star wide receiver pregnant! (Willie Roaf on Joe Horn).

Not enough? OK. How about the Dallas Cowboys from say 1994-1999? A prostitution and drug "safe house" right near the training facility, coaches with guns in their carry-ons, and an owner who fired the previous coach who had won back-to-back Super Bowls because he got into a drunken argument about who should get all the credit. Attacks on teammates with electric scissors at the barber shop. Two names: Nate Newton and Michael Irvin. Go ahead, just stop me when you've got enough. And remember, this stuff never happens ALL ON THE SAME TEAM!

How about the #2 overall draft pick, whose QB career was notable for having notched the lowest single game passer rating of all time? The same QB who in an infantile snit in the lockeroom, screeched at a reporter "don't talk to me, just cut it out!" He was on the DL once with a bum shoulder, and was seen playing flag football with that same bum shoulder in the local park with a bunch of drunken weekend warriors.

How about a fan jumping some 30 feet to bare concrete from the stands, and catching a field goal perfectly on the way down and living to tell about it?

All these NFL legends are real, and they are all from the TOP OF MY HEAD! No really, I swear. I have three pages of scribbled notes for when I actually compile the "complete list of Playamkers storylines coming to a television near you."

If you have a real life NFL story that would be too extreme to believe if it was written into a script, go ahead and shoot me an e-mail. If nothing else, we'll sell the really "good ones" to ESPN.

God I can't wait for the NBA version of this show. Because nothing ever ridiculous ever happens in that pro sports league, either.