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In Sports
Czabe's politically incorrect holiday comparison
 | By Steve Czaban  Special to OnMilwaukee.com E-mail author | Author bio More articles by Steve Czaban |
| Published July 4, 2006 at 5:03 a.m. |
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(Editor's note: Based on the way this "column" arrived on Tuesday -- as an Excel spreadsheet, full of typos, all in caps and with no formatting, it seems like Czabe fully enjoyed himself this long holiday weekend. Anyway, we cleaned up his ramblings as best as possible and present this comparison between the Fourth and Thanksgiving. We can't guarantee that Steve was sober while writing this -- all we know is that following chart is his opinion and his only.
| Item | Fourth of july | Thanksgiving |
| Holiday vibe | Go ahead, I dare you. | Hey! Behave. It's thanksgiving! |
| Days off | 3 day weekend | 4 day weekend |
| Historical celebration | Telling Nigel and company: "F off mates… we can make our own tea, and we don’t' want no stinkin king! | Broke bread with Tonto to celebrate surviving one stinkin' year in this uncivilized hellhole |
| Gambling opportunity | 3-team WNBA teaser | 2 glorious NFL games, both on TV |
| Sports related activity | Whip cream twister | Two hand touch football |
| Table manners | Caveman | Martha Stewart |
| Food served | Fried chicken, burgers, dogs, BBQ, corn, cole slaw, fries, beans, chips | Turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans, cranberry sauce, stuffing |
| Alcoholic consumption | 16 Schaeffer lights, followed by passing out on a dirty blanket | 5 glasses of red wine, followed by nap on the couch |
| Post-meal entertainment | Topless Frisbee with three chicks you just met | Listening to great uncle Harold tell stories about LBJ |
| Best looking chick to look at | "Kylie," a 23 year old paralegal who happens to work weekends at the local strip joint to save money for "grad school" | Cousin sally, who is a 33 year old accountant that looks like Rene Zellweger in “Bridget Jones'” diary |
| Chances for getting some | Like walking into a women's prison with a fistful of pardons | Virtually none |
| Pants | Optional | Dockers |
| Mayhem moment | Shooting a roman candle into your buddy Sal's top down 325i convertible | The dining room clearing out, when you blast a silent but deadly "onion casserole nose curler" |
| Best thing that can happen | Your car is where you left it in the morning | Lions cover 13 point spread with straight up win a 500 two-team moneyline parlay |
| Worst thing that can happen | "Dude ... She was only 16, and her dad says he's going to testify" | Your family doesn't speak to each other for 10 years because of one slightly off-center remark |
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