What if the top college football teams were Halloween treats?

Glad you asked...

1. Ohio State (M&M's Plain)
The Buckeyes are a dependable presence, much like good ol' M&M's plain. They won't really excite many people and can be knocked off by a better choice of candy, but they are seemingly always around.

2. Boston College (Bit O' Honey)
Nobody likes Bit O' Honey, and even fans in Boston are largely ignoring this year's mid-major Cinderella story. Who wants a chunk of chewy, half-brittle, honey-based candy that gets stuck in your molars? Awful.

3. LSU (Snickers)
This is a meaty, serious gut stuffer of a candy, just like the football team. However, LSU isn't likely to make many fall in love with them, just as you don't rave about a Snickers aside from it's ability to satisfy your hunger.

4. Arizona State (Spree)
On the one hand, every once in a while, this candy makes sense. A big long roll of sweet, hard, disks. What's not to like? The chafed tongue. Arizona State seems like a good idea now. We'll end up thinking different.

5. Oregon (Mike & Ike)
The colorful candy chewies now come in different flavored boxes - regular, tangy typhoon, tangy twister, jolly joes and berry blast. Like Oregon's uniforms, you could theoretically mix and match Mike and Ikes into 2,432 flavor combinations.

6. Oklahoma (Milky Way)
They perfected the basic chocolate, caramel and nougat bar combination. A triple threat, just like Oklahoma perfected the wishbone.

7. West Virginia (Fun Dip)
This is a "candy" that involves a sugar stick you lick, and pouches of sugar powder to dip them in and lick off. Total novelty, gimmick candy. Like the spread with Slaton and White. Gimmicky, but delicious to watch.

8. Kansas (Candy Cigarettes)
People always ask: "Do they still make candy cigarettes?" Yes, yes they do. Just like people ask: "Does Kansas really play Division I football?" I'm afraid so.

9. Missouri (Abba Zabba)
Nobody is really sure what they are, where you can find them, and whether anybody really likes them.

10. Georgia (Hot Tamales)
A truly second-tier candy amongst the chewy non-chocolate set, no matter what fans of the candy may say. Let's be honest. Hot Tamales are over-rated. Just like Georgia fans think of themselves and their team. Overrated.

11. Virginia Tech (Reese's Peanut Butter Cups)
A delicious candy that will melt at the slightest increase in temperature above room level. Not unlike the Hokies, who typically melt once the schedule heats up in November.

12. Michigan (Kit-Kat)
What's not to like? Chocolate. Wafers. Simple, satisfying, right? Like the football team however, the Kit-Kat doesn't really inspire or wow you. It's just sort of there.

13. UConn (Nerds)
Best consumed in small doses.

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2 comments about this article. Post a comment / write a review.

Recent Talkbacks ...

Posted by ryanjsmith4 on Nov. 1, 2007 at 3:56 p.m. (report)

nice pull, Czabe. a creative angle, beautifully researched, and pretty spot on analysis. but i urge you to reconsider for UW... Chunky. you know. square. plodding. not very glamourous. exhibit A: P.J. Hill. and don't forget top draft picks Joe Thomas and Ron Dayne.

Posted by FoxPointTeen on Oct. 31, 2007 at 8:51 p.m. (report)

hey...you know...alot of these candies are good, despite what the author said about them. I realize, however, that candy is not the point here....and whats with Wisconsin being Twizzlers? Can't we at least be something CHOCOLATE!?