Thursday December 21^st, 2006 - Chicago, IL

Still trying to crawl out of my mental sewer. Today is the shortest day of the year so I’ll take that as a symbol that it can only get brighter from here. This is as bad as it gets daylight wise and hopefully everything will start looking up and improving. It sure was a nasty day weather wise in Chicago though. It was a pelting cold rainy sleet that just wouldn‘t quit.

I had a lunch date scheduled with a woman I used to work with. She is really sweet and I find her very attractive and she recently got a divorce. Bingo. I wanted to force myself to be in a social situation so I could chase the funk away plus I really do enjoy her company.

She was supposed to let me know what time to meet and when I called her to confirm it went to voice mail. Ugh. How many times does this have to happen in one guy’s life? She didn’t call back and ten o’clock became eleven became noon and I didn’t hear anything. It made the sleet outside sleetier and my inner funk funkier and my self esteem leaked away.

I got an email from Tim Joyce who is another comedian and he asked if I wanted to get a lunch so I said yes. He didn’t know about my date and I didn’t tell him and we ate at the Ann Sather’s on Clark Street. If you are ever in Chicago and have a chance to eat at Ann Sather’s you need to do it. They have THE best cinnamon rolls this side of Santa’s house. If I have to be miserable, a hot plate of Ann Sather’s cinnamon rolls is the way to do it.

After lunch I sat around and really tried to think rationally why I am in a rut and what it is that caused it. Last week in Kansas City was a real downer and those two drunkfests on Saturday were not fun. The whole week was hellish but especially Saturday. I felt like I’d been in two 45 minute cockfights and I was a bloody mess afterwards. That started it off.

But it shouldn’t have lasted this long. I’ve had bad shows and bad weeks before. It must be something chemical. I know a lot of entertainers and people in general have depression but it seems to run rampant in us ‘creative types‘. Most of us are loony tunes and I will be the first to admit I am right up there. I am quirky and eccentric and sometimes just flat out nuts but it goes with the territory of being an ‘artist’. That term is pretty loose and I’m not taking myself too seriously but there is a part of every creative type person that is wacked.

To have my mood change that sharply in that short of time is a red flag. Hopefully I will be able to help someone else figure it out by writing it down and explaining what made it come about so if I do flip out and go on a big killing spree that someone can trace it to the event that started it all. It was way before Kansas City though. This is just the latest event that set it off. I’ve been an emotional roller coaster for years as have many comedians that I know personally. We are a delicate breed. Most of us are really intelligent and also very sensitive too. We see the insanity of the world and make fun of it but it pains us greatly.

I will get over this hump. I feel it. There was a time when I didn’t feel that way. When I would get into one of these black holes it felt hopeless and that’s when I had the thoughts of suicide. Welcome to the wonderful world of what it’s really like to be a performer.