Tuesday December 19^th, 2006 - Chicago, IL

I am a complete wack job. Today I was a completely different person from what I have been in the last few months and I have no idea why. I hit a major bump in the road of my new found positive attitude streak and I don‘t like it. I don‘t know why but today just set me off in the wrong direction. I got up and felt like I was in one of the funks I used to get into quite often. It’s been several months since I’ve felt like that but I know it when I feel it and I was not thrilled to have that feeling back. I could really feel a difference in how I reacted to things and there were lots of thoughts in my head that I didn’t want to be there.

It’s kind of like taking a shower after wearing underwear for months and then having to put the underwear back on again. It wasn’t pleasant to wear them for months but now it’s REALLY disgusting. I found myself fighting it all day and it really was a challenge not to flip out at the idiots in traffic who cut me off or the lady who wrote a check for $4.63 at a Walgreens right in front of me and then didn’t have her pen out or have a clue as to where her ID was. Then I had about six people call me and ask me one stupid question after the next and after that I came home and saw my roomate’s piles of unkempt junk from floor to ceiling and wanted to start it all on fire and jump in it myself and end it all. Ho Ho Ho.

Christmas time used to really get to me and I said I wouldn’t allow that to happen to me this year. I was doing pretty well until today. Every Christmas carol I heard made me feel like grabbing one of those Salvation Army person’s bells and clubbing six people to death with it. Then I wanted to rum pa pum pum someone’s head off a chimney. I even made up my own list and didn’t need to check it twice because EVERYBODY on it was naughty.

This is not right. For some reason I am out of sync with the universe again. All day I felt that way and if there is a good thing it was that I knew it and really tried to redirect myself and my thoughts in a different direction but it was a real struggle. Negative thoughts were flooding into my head and I was angry and short tempered whereas I have really been in a good groove for months. I caught myself a few times but others I let it rip and felt like my old self again. I didn’t like it either. I can’t deny that’s how I felt though. This is not good.

I had lunch with my friend Marc Schultz and that usually is fun and relaxing. We went to Sweet Tomatoes and had huge salads so that was a good thing. I have been very poor at eating healthy and I know it. I need to change that and also exercise more as well. We had a very good lunch and I didn’t tell him how I was feeling because I didn’t want to put him in a bad mood too. We talked about sports and light stuff and it was a break from the day.

Then on the way home I found myself sliding into that funk again. Everything going on around me in traffic was making me furious and I couldn’t figure out why I was so off. It just came out of the blue today and I didn’t expect it to say the least. I got home again and saw that big pile of my roomate’s junk and that was it. I knew I needed to just pack it in.

I am writing this at 7:30pm and am going to bed. Maybe I’ll sleep for an hour or maybe I will sleep until morning. Maybe I won’t wake up at all. Right now that seems ok by me.