Cracking children's code to bedtime is a process not one quick fix solution.  In a recent group discussion I had this to say to a women who had difficulty getting her son to sleep. 

Her question read.   So what do you suggest when a parent asks your advice?  As an example - my son won't stay in his bed after cuddles,books,potty and more cuddles?

I think I understand your definition of winning in this situation. Your son goes to bed willingly and without any problems. What we need to know is what your son's definition of winning is when going to bed. Cracking the code to unlocking your son's focus in this area starts with you. Right now, he does not have a problem, you do. The process he goes through every night is normal for him, like clockwork. For you, I can only imagine it is frustrating and you, as I have gathered, want it to change.


I can tell you that beginning to make progress towards winning at bedtime, it will require you to be flexible. I have 45 minutes to get groups of 3, 4, and 5 year olds stretched, building motor skills, a drink of water, learning new sports skills, and playing games before they leave. This is madness for many parents to think about, but a joyful experience for me. No two practices are the same. My classes are filled with children no different than your son, they are spontaneous thinkers and do and say whatever is on their mind IF they are left to think freely. My secret to success is to occupy children's minds with things to think about at every turn.


Lets think about your son. He wants to stay up. What's wrong with letting him? Stay with me, I know this sounds like a stretch. There is, I have to imagine, a part of him going to bed that is a selfish act on your part. You need Mommy time, and I don't blame you. I can't teach many consecutive classes long before I get tired and need a break. Changing this situation will require you set aside your agenda get to know your son's motivations at bedtime and using them to find a healthy compromise. Here is what I know.  Fun for children is motivating. Doing what they are not suppose to do can be fun when they find your reaction in it. Your goal is to make staying up late a little less fun and a little less motivating. When they focus on the bedtime process your son needs to contribute more to your idea of winning at bedtime.


Staying up late like everything else has to come with some rules. Here is where you start occupying his mind with things to think about.

1. Start bedtime a little bit earlier tonight, 30 minutes earlier. Before you do, prepare him by turning off the television and try sitting on the couch and talking. Tonight you will begin the process as you usually ended it, in a one-on-one with him. If he can begin to look forward to talking one-on-one with you earlier this can open opportunities for him to be more focused on what he needs to do for bedtime. In your one-on-one tell him the agenda for the rest of the evening.
2. Tell him about your surprise. He can stay up late. Go through everything he needs to do to prepare to stay up late in his bed.
3. Let him run the process. Guide him and help him where necessary, but do not enable him. The point being, if you do all the work why should he be tired at night? Let him pick out the pajamas and put them on. Let him tell you what type of snack before bed. Let him choose the book you read. Let him choose two toys he can take to bed and play with quietly after you turn the light out. Let him prepare the toothbrush with toothpaste and brush his teeth alone.
4. This work up is a time also when you start to withdraw your "cuddles." Why would he want to go to bed if Mom makes him feel so special at the end of the night?" A kiss on the forehead is all I remember getting as a kid. Maybe I had difficulty at bedtime? You are still cuddling him just in the ways he needs most, verbally. Throughout the process, talk to him and help keep him on target.
5. Get excited about his opportunity to stay up. Before you read him a story tell him a story tell him how proud you are of everything he did on his own. He is really becoming a big boy. Big boys know how to go to bed on their own.

I know what your fear is. He will stay up until all hours of the night. I am telling you, he should be tired by the end of a long day. This process is designed to have him and any kid for that matter falling asleep within 30 minutes of hitting the pillow. If you remember I added in 30 minutes to the process, this should not lose you any quality Mommy time.


The thing to keep in mind, this is a new process and new things are exciting to kids. It is best he is free from distractions and it may be best to keep the television off as you get started in this new process. Once you've established the routine (3-7 days) you can gradually reintegrate the television.


Nonetheless, he will test you in the beginning by wanting another drink, or having to go potty, or telling you he is hungry, or wanting to turn the light on, or play with a certain toy. How you respond is key here. Be Calming and non-reactive. Be nice, but show him no extra special attention, it is bedtime. He mirrors your responses. Tell him nicely it is the the last drink tonight, softly tell him to go potty, you will open the door or turn on the closet light on but no bedroom light, more drink but no snacks or quickly change toys. He stays in the bedroom as you get him a drink. I know you are tired but you must let these natural processes occur and handle them appropriately, otherwise you shoot yourself in the foot.


Cracking the code to your son's bedtime isn't an exact science but done in this order you hopefully will begin to see some positive changes.

Coach Brad