Thanksgiving is a time when most columnists write about all the things they are thankful for and what we should all be thankful for.
I am going to switch it up a bit this year and nominate people and institutions that ought to be thankful for me.
I know this may sound a bit like an out of control ego, but really it's not. I play a part in the lives of many people, and they really ought to thank me for it. This is their chance.
Fans of Mixed Martial Arts: I have made no secret of my utter contempt for this so-called sport. I think it's just a step removed from the days when we put gladiators in an arena and let tigers and lions loose while the crowd worked itself into a frenzy calling for blood. If it wasn't for me, who Milwaukee MMA fans hate? Glad to be of service, boys.
Brett Favre: I am probably the only columnist in the world who still holds Favre in a reverential place in our sports history. I still believe all the post-Packers shenanigans were not his doing, but were caused by other people. I still think he's the most magnetic football players I've ever seen. Everybody else seems to hate him. Brett ought to be giving thanks today that somebody is still on his side.
Milwaukee County Board of Supervisors: Because I keep pointing out how irrelevant and petty these people are, they can now unite in their defense of what they do. Without me, they would be torn by partisan bitterness. Because I'm around, they can act as one body. A ridiculous body, but a body nonetheless.
Ma Fischer's Restaurant: I've been going to this place since it was just a counter and three tables. I have probably eaten more here than any other place, with the possible exception of Solly's. It's not gourmet food, but they have about the best breakfast in town and the price is always right. Without me at least one waitress would be out of work and they likely wouldn't be open 24 hours a day. They'd have to drop to 22 or 23 hours a day.
My family: If it wasn't for me, they wouldn't have anyone to make fun of.
Sheriff David Clarke: I try to point out every time the sheriff shows up somewhere on a horse, wearing his cowboy hat and cowboy boots, with a gun on his hip and a shiny belt buckle the size of Bradford Beach. The sheriff is a real "shove it in your face" kind of guy. So if I didn't point that stuff out he would never be able to show up somewhere on a horse, wearing his cowboy hat and cowboy boots, with a gun on his hip and a shiny belt buckle the size of Bradford Beach.
The Tea Party: Maybe they shouldn't be thankful for me, but at least they should be thankful for people like me. I mean, who else would point out that the Tea Party and the Birthers could be locked up in an asylum somewhere and given powerful drugs to see if you could turn them from crazy people into civilized members of society who could actually live on their own.
Bus drivers: I don't ride the bus that often, but when do, every time we pass an intersection I ask, with feverish panic, "was that my stop?" It usually takes a driver about four blocks before he or she is ready to kick me out. They should be thankful I don't ride the bus that often.
Local television newscasts (except for Channel 12): They should be thankful I don't watch them very often. If I did I would have to write a column every day about something stupid they did. I'd have to get it off my chest and they would get really tired of me saying, "Did you see what Channel (fill in a number, except 12) did last night?
Golfers everywhere: As I got older, I got much more dangerous on a golf course. The concept of actually knowing where my ball was headed became more foreign each year. Players from all over learned to cover their heads and hide behind golf carts each time I stepped on a tee. Golf has become a much safer game since I've given it up.
Bullies everywhere: They should be thankful that I have put on temporary hold my plan to get five or six really tough guys to travel around with me kicking the crap out of every bully we can find.
My grandson Casey: Casey is just over 1 year old and if it weren't for me he would have no idea what the word "hate" means.
OnMilwaukee.com readers: They should be thankful for me for giving them something, sometimes, interesting to read. But they should really be thankful for all the other people at OMC who work harder than I've ever seen anyone work to create a daily magazine that has won national recognition for its quality.
No Talkbacks for this article.
Post your comment/review now
Disclaimer: Please note that Facebook comments are posted through Facebook and cannot be approved, edited or declined by OnMilwaukee.com. The opinions expressed in Facebook comments do not necessarily reflect those of OnMilwaukee.com or its staff.
Recent Articles & Blogs by Dave Begel
Published May 4, 2015
Mrk Attanasio has a baseball team that is the worst in the league and it feels like the pressure is building on him to do something. He's faced with a couple of alternatives and the one that should not even be considered is "do nothing."
Published May 3, 2015
"City of Angels" is a complicated story, made even though by three hours of singing and acting that doesn't shed much light on the stories. More than anything, this production needed cutting.
Published May 2, 2015
"Little by Little" is free of dialogue, but it's a story we have all heard before: three friends and the love that intrudes on that friendship. The wonderful songs and music carry the audience into a cloud of warmth and joy.
Published May 1, 2015
The Chicago Bulls had their way as the Bucks' season came to an end Thursday night. But the future looks bright for the Bucks, who have young stars, a new arena on the horizon and a coach who is among the best in the league.
Published May 1, 2015
The banh mi sandwich is a Vietnamese staple but restaurants through the city are offering their own take on this specialty. Buddha Lounge, a relatively new restaurant on the East Side, offers a truly traditional style and it's worth a taste.
Published April 30, 2015
The NFL draft gets underway Thursday night and the Packers have needs at cornerback and inside linebacker. But predicting what Ted Thompson will do is tough. He is full of surprises, but his record of success says that school of thought is perfect for the NFL
Published April 29, 2015
The riots in Baltimore were frightening in their wanton violence. Officials in Baltimore said that things would be better if the media focused on the good things. That kind of head in the sand behavior is the same thing we have in Milwaukee.
Published April 29, 2015
The Kentucky Derby is known as the "most exciting two minutes in sport." And Potawatomi Casino pulls out all the stops to make its derby party just as exciting. Paul Lurenz Jr., runs the OTB parlor and is spearheading the party.
Published April 28, 2015
Nobody gave the Milwaukee Bucks much of a chance to beat to Chicago Bulls in game five, but the youthful kids didn't pay much attention to the experts. The showed that energy and listening to their coach can carry them to heights that nobody expected.
Published April 27, 2015
In what was one of the great playoff victories in the history of the Milwaukee Bucks, they beat the Chicago Bulls Saturday night. Monday night they will try to repeat and steal one of the road against the Bulls at the United Center.