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In Kids & Family

By Molly Snyder Edler OnMilwaukee.com Staff Writer Photography by Renee Bebeau E-mail author | Author bio More articles by Molly Snyder Edler

Published April 27, 2006 at 5:15 a.m.

Tags: motherfest, racism, race, adoption

Last year, while grocery shopping with my sons and deliberating over which can of soup to toss in the cart, I noticed the way-too-familiar weight of another shopper's stare. I felt her eyes moving from me to my oldest son, who has coffee-colored skin that many of us would kill for, to my sweet, milky-faced youngest.

Unable to curb her curiosity, the woman asked me while nodding towards my older son, "Where's his daddy from?"

As the mother of both a Guatemalan-born and homegrown child, I occasionally get this sort of thing, but somehow, it never fails to catch me off-guard. Sure, I could launch into a truthful explanation about how we became a family: the long, stressful adoption, the surprise pregnancy, but why? Does she really care? Is it any of her business?

"His daddy's from Green Bay," I said cheerfully, answering the question truthfully, yet not addressing her "real" question, which was really, "Why is your son brown?"

Another time, a woman asked me at a playground if my kids had different fathers. Just like that, as if it were a question about sippy cups or Teletubbies. "No, they have the same father," I said, ignoring the perplexed look on her face.

Tara Thompson has similar experiences -- and her child is biological and of the same race. "My son just happens to be much lighter than my husband and I. Genetics are a funny thing," she says.

Don't get me wrong, it's perfectly natural to see a mixed-race family and wonder. And there isn't even anything wrong with asking, if you just gotta know, but it's all in how you do it and how well you know the person.

"I love telling our story to anyone who really cares," says Amy Brightman, the mother of a 3-year-old daughter adopted from Korea. "But not when the questions are coming from an uncaring and nosy place."

Are we being too sensitive? Perhaps. However, such comments seem to erode the balance we struggle to maintain -- the one that acknowledges, but doesn't over-focus, on differences within a bi-racial family.

Films like "Crash" sadly remind us that racism is unavoidable, and we all know that acting color-blind certainly isn't the answer. But we can keep our thoughts and comments inside our heads and not let them fly out of our mouths. Remember, words are powerful enough to distance ourselves from one another -- or to unite us. They wage both peace and war.

20 comments about this article. Post a comment / write a review.

Recent Talkbacks ...

Posted by OMCreader on July 25, 2006 at 4:06 p.m. (report)

heather said: I am the mother of three sons and I am expecting my fourth child. My family heritage is extremly broad and my husband is half German and Half African American. For those people who don't know how to ask about someones background I offer this advice, Don't. I don't know when it became so important for people to know eveyone's heritage. But I have grown weary of the people that feel they are owed some sort of explanation. It breaks my heart when someone walks up to me in front of my children and says very bluntly, "What are your children?" Or asks me if I'm babysitting. I have three beautiful children, and they all look very different. I wouldn't have it any other way. But I'm not sure when there heritage became a topic of discussion for strangers in a mall.

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Posted by OMCreader on May 31, 2006 at 8:52 a.m. (report)

Angie said: I loved this story as I've dealt with the stares and questions all my life. My parents are fair with blue eyes and my brother and I both have olive skin, dark hair, and brown eyes. When I was young I was hurt by the insistence of some strangers who would tell my mom I must be adopted. As I got older my brother and I made up a story about how we were refugees from Guatamala saved by our parents. Now that I am married to a man with dark hair and eyes with three of my four children looking the same and my one daughter who looks like my mom I endure the stares and questions with experience. I did some research of basic genetics and now when someone asks why my daughter is so light I explain: Did you know if you carry the blue eyed gene in your family you have a 25% chance of passing that gene to your children? I have four children and 25% of them have blue eyes, blond hair, and milky white skin. And she is just as treasured as my children who do look like me.

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Posted by OMCreader on May 27, 2006 at 7:20 a.m. (report)

Trudy said: Just wanted to comment on what TJ had to say about the article... my husband and I are about to adopt from China so I read the article with great interest. Yet, I had the same question TJ did at the end of it. I liked the article, but wished the author had taken the opportunity to coach others on how to bring up their questions. I have to believe that it could only help in bringing others to a better understanding of the many wonderful ways families come together. While we're not too concerned about what other will think or say about our decision to add to our family through adoption of a child of another race, we know that there will be questions. Even now as we see other biracial families with children from China, we would love to approach them to share our news, ask them about their experiences, and get their advice. But, we hesitate out of respect for their privacy and have trouble coming up with an appropriate way to begin a conversation. We’ve been told by other families with children from China that we ought to just go ahead and ask people we see in our community about their experiences and they won't mind. However, it’s hard to know what to say for fear of being intrusive and coming off nosey instead of genuinely inspired and happy to know them. I suppose we’ll soon know firsthand about the stares and questions, and I’m sure we’ll feel some frustration at times too. But, I hope we can keep in mind that people by nature are curious, and if those who approach us are open to listening and learning, we can maybe make a small difference in how people view biracial families and help in cultivating a community that accepts people of all colors.

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Posted by OMCreader on May 20, 2006 at 11:28 p.m. (report)

Shari said: I get comments all the time on my one year old daughter. It always starts out with comments on how beautiful she is and how they love her dark hair. Then they look back and forth from her to me and say, "Well she must look like her father!" He is of a different race than me, but actually she DOES look like me at that age. I don't really know why, but the fact that I get this all the time kind of hurts my feelings and makes me want to dye my hair!

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Posted by OMCreader on May 10, 2006 at 9:29 p.m. (report)

Melissa said: I'm half Korean and my husband is white... one of our daughters turned out looking like me and one looks like him- including the blond hair. I guess people probably look at us all the time, but I rarely pick up on it because I grew up in a biracial family in the 'burbs so I'm used to it. This is both good and bad....

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