Each week, local "women about town" Anjl Rodee and Marilynn Mee answer OnMilwaukee.com readers' questions about relationships, romance and whatever else is on your mind. They point out that this column is "for entertainment purposes only," but they mostly say that so they don't get sued. Send your questions to Anjl and Marilynn at anjlandmarilynn@staff.onmilwaukee.com.

Dear Anjl & Marilynn,

What is feminine hygiene? How does it work? Is there such a thing as "male hygiene?"

Dear Mr. Clean,

Marilynn: First of all, let's define feminine hygiene.

Anjl: I think I'm feeling a little queasy ... go ahead, define away.

MM: We're talking about being "lovely fresh and clean" in the area on a female that we'll call "north of the equator to just south of the equator."

You're looking a little pale, there, homegirl...

AR: I'll be OK. Don't you mean from the equator line to the South Pole?

MM: No, the South Pole is your feet. The equator line is right at your hips. So we're talking about the area from below your navel to just above your upper mid thighs.

AR: I'm picturing the globe as the trunk and I've got a head and extremities hanging off of it. Because if your feet are the South Pole, and your head is the North Pole, and your hips are the equator, then I don't know what to think about the arms, see?

MM: Just for argument's sake, let's pretend there aren't any arms.

AR: Why don't we use something sort of shaped like a person? Like a tree, or a lobster.

MM: Can you imagine how hard feminine hygiene would be with no arms or lobster claws?

AR: Not to mention no legs and "between" areas ... well, then, we wouldn't need to be talking about it right now, and I'd be feeling more comfortable.

MM: Maybe we need to switch to an analogy you'd feel more comfortable with. Picture a sudoku puzzle, Anjl.

AR: OK, I'm in my happy place ...

MM: Now picture the center box. We're talking about keeping that center box fresh.

AR: Well, alrighty, then. We've covered fresh, clean and lovely for female globes, but what is entailed for male hygiene?

MM: Funny how you never hear anyone talk about male hygiene. Which, when you think about it, isn't funny at all. In fact, I'll even go on record as saying male hygiene is just as important as female hygiene.

AR: Is the male douche sold in some secret area of the store, maybe by the beer and steak?

MM: I hate to break it to you, Anjl, there is no such thing. But if there was, that would be a good place to sell it. They could market it with a picture of a truck on it, and include a free pair of work gloves.

But, seriously. Why don't you ever hear anything about the importance of male hygiene? We don't need for them to be "fresh as a flower," but ... maybe scented with a new car smell.

AR: I assume male-specific hygienic products don't exist because males don't have hygiene-specific orifices ... OK, what I'm trying to say is that they don't really have areas that can't be tackled with a bar of soap.

MM: You know, it might be a good idea to have a guy weigh in on this one. They might have some first-hand hygiene knowledge that's not covered in the small print on the Irish Spring bar.

Let's ask comedian Tom Clark. I've always known him to be clean AND funny.

AR: Yeah, I've never heard him cuss once. Tom, what is the word on male hygiene?

Tom Clark: Keep it clean. If it gets dirty, see a doctor.

MM: OK, now I'm feeling queasy.

AR: Go to your "new shoes" happy place ...