Since the very first time I heard about the Brew City Bruisers, Milwaukee's first all-girl roller derby league, I wanted to join. I must admit, my desire to be on the team has nothing to do with skating. Nor am I interested in the rules of the game or even the camaraderie among women.

Instead, my interest festers in the opportunity to rename myself something bad ass.

Roller derby players, as you may know, take on an alter ego personality, and pick new names for themselves like Killary Clinton, Smashalina Jolie, Dolly Post-Parton, Althea Inhell, Pound Anya and so on.

I love to name stuff -- most girls do -- and I spent weeks figuring out what my roller derby name would be if I joined the team. After trying on a few, I think I nailed it. Molly Ringworm. I even wrote a little tagline for myself. Molly Ringworm: She'll infest your ass.

Once I got myself a name, I started envisioning myself playing the game, and realized I needed opponents for my imaginary team. So I asked my friends if they wanted to join the all-in-my-mind roller derby team.

The response has been fantastic. A bunch of girls admitted to secretly wanting to join the derby, but didn't have enough time or guts to actually do it. Hence, they were thrilled to be a part of my figmental group.

So far I have recruited Anita Beat-you, Renee Killweger, Crystal Meth ("I'm gonna "f--k" with yer head!"), Maggie Maggots and Heather Lockfear. Now we just have to dream up our team uniform, fabricate a bunch of fictitious practices, visualize a few rink-related injuries and we're ready to roll.